Happy Divorces

Updated on June 11, 2008.

TWO YEARS AGO, when Lori Tricarico and her husband realized their 16-year marriage was over, they agreed on one thing: Their divorce wouldn't get ugly. "We have two daughters and our ultimate goal was to remain friendly," says the 40-year-old from Cumming, Ga.

So when Tricarico's lawyer told her about collaborative divorce — a relatively new procedure where both spouses and their attorneys meet and talk things through with the goal of avoiding conflict and the courtroom — the couple decided to give it a try. Now, Tricarico says, they're both glad they did. "We had great meetings," she says. "It really was good."

Good isn't a word you normally associate with the dissolution of a marriage. And even though few divorces do end up in the courtroom — most are settled before they get that far — reaching a settlement can be long, expensive and unpleasant. In a traditional divorce, each side talks only to his or her lawyer, and then the lawyers talk with each other. It's a system that can easily deepen animosities, says Katherine Stoner, an attorney, mediator and author of "Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce."

The goal of collaborative divorce is to avoid that. "In a collaborative divorce, the decisions have to be made by the couple," Stoner says. The two sides and their attorneys meet together and talk until they reach an agreement everyone deems fair. They agree to provide all information — such as financial records — voluntarily, rather than having their lawyers gather evidence. As a result, collaborative divorce can be significantly less expensive, Stoner says. Costs vary depending on the case, but while a typical litigated divorce could run as high as $150,000, collaborative would be closer to the $15,000 to $20,000 range, according to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).

Just how common is collaborative divorce? It's available in most states, and more lawyers and financial advisors are becoming aware of collaborative divorce and are going through the required training. "The growth in terms of trained professionals has been exponential over the past five years," says Sue Hansen, former president of the IACP, which provides the required training. There are now more than 20,000 collaborative professionals in the country, according to the IACP.

But even as it becomes more common, collaborative divorce isn't the right solution for all couples. Here's how to find out if it's right for you.

The Basics
The main premise of collaborative divorce is that the spouses end things amicably and out of court. They do that through four-way meetings where the spouses and their lawyers discuss what each person wants in terms of a settlement. They even sign an agreement that they will not take matters to court and if they do, are required to hire different lawyers.

The spouses can hire specialists to help with financial, parenting and communications issues. If they have children, for example, a child specialist will meet with the kids and help the parents develop a parenting plan. A neutral financial expert is typically called in to help divide the assets fairly. (To remain neutral, the expert is not allowed to manage assets, sell investments or insurance, or have any other professional relationship with either spouse before and after the divorce.) Finally, each spouse can hire a coach — a mental health professional trained to help spouses deal with divorce-related emotions — who can step in if communications get rowdy and bring the process back on track.

"Everyone has the same goal — to do this here, in this room, with this team, and not take it to court," says Rebecca Pace, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), a designation given to financial planners trained in the collaborative divorce method.

That's how things worked out for Tricarico, whose divorce was finalized within four months of the first meeting. "It felt like not only you have an advocate in your attorney, but the other attorney wasn't against you, either," she says.

Collaborative Failures
But that doesn't mean collaborative divorce always works out happily in the end. Mark Hill, a CDFA in San Diego, recalls a couple he worked with as a financial advisor. When he asked the wife how the first meeting with the lawyers went, she simply said, "Well, I managed not to crawl across the table and scratch his eyes out."