The Great Divide

Updated on June 13, 2008.

AFTER SO MANY millions of couples have divorced, you'd think that the process would have become simpler. But unfortunately, it remains a nasty, brutish and all-too-common experience.

Slightly less than half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. By the time a couple's divorce proceedings are complete, the two will spend, on average, $20,000 to $30,000 in legal fees alone, says Alan Feigenbaum, a certified financial planner and author of The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce. Divorce is second only to the death of a spouse on the psychic pain meter, according to the experts who rate such things, and has been known to trigger panic attacks and major depressive episodes.

The good news is that there are more alternative methods to reach a settlement than ever. It used to be that most divorces were handled exclusively by lawyers who haggled over only one or two assets. Now more couples are handling their own divorces or using mediators to hammer out settlements for far less money. But that doesn't make divorce today any simpler.

Our divorce planner will help you navigate these stressful waters. This article will give you the basics. For more specific financial advice, see the other articles in this section like "Avoiding the Tax Traps," "Splitting the Retirement Accounts" and "Who Gets the Homes?" And, before you sign anything, run your numbers through our Property Settlement Calculator and Deductible Alimony Calculator.

There are a few ground rules to consider before we get started. How your assets will be divided in a divorce depends largely on where you live. In the 10 community-property states (Alaska, Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin), marital assets will generally be divvied up evenly between the spouses. The remaining 40 states use the principle of "equitable distribution," which allows a judge to split up the assets as he deems fair. One thing to remember: A vast majority of divorces are settled out of court, which leaves plenty of room for negotiation.

Couples who want a simple parting often use a mediator to work out the settlement. More couples are using mediation now than ever before, says Emily Doskow, divorce attorney and author of "Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce." The cost advantages can be staggering. An ordinary divorce agreement that doesn't go to trial costs $8,000 on average, says Doskow, and if it goes to trial it might drag on for months and cost even more. But, with a lawyer as mediator a handful of sessions can cost $250 an hour on average, she says. To find a mediator in your area, contact the Association for Conflict Resolution.

While it is cost-effective to try mediation, it won't work for a lot of couples. If you and your spouse are openly hostile, a judge may be your best bet, since he doesn't require your cooperation. Couples with large estates should also avoid mediation. Going back and forth on every asset can be tedious and could spark hostilities that weren't there before. Divorce experts also say that couples with disparate incomes should avoid mediation, as well as people who suspect their spouses are not disclosing everything they own.

OK. You tried, but mediation and handling the divorce yourself are simply out of the question. You and your spouse are headed for a lengthy standoff with lawyers, which could get nasty and expensive. That's enough to make anyone nervous. Your best defense is to arm yourself with information about you and your spouse's assets and to understand the tax implications of whatever you do.

One common method, especially involving cases with nontransferable options, calls for the spouse who owns the shares to give his ex a percentage of the proceeds when they are sold. If the couple wants no future contact, the options' owner could write his ex a check for the amount the shares are worth now. But that's not always the wisest choice.

It's best to wait for the options to be exercised and then split the shares. "That way both parties share in the investment risk," says Daniel Jaffe, a Beverly Hills, Calif., divorce attorney.

Splitting up unvested options is one of the biggest areas of contention these days, lawyers say. It's common for the spouse who owns the options to claim that they are worthless, but that argument rarely works. "In reality, the ability to buy a stock in five years at today's prices is a very valuable right," says Jaffe. If you have unvested options, the court will probably divvy them up like this: Let's say that your company has just granted you options that vest in three years. One year from now, your spouse decides to walk. Guess what? The court will consider at least one-third of those options — for the year you were married after the shares were granted — as marital property. Your ex can pocket half of those.

For more on treatment of stock options in divorce, see "Who Gets the Stock Options?"

One word of caution about pension plans. Since the plans are becoming less common, some divorce lawyers may be unfamiliar with how to value them. When a couple sits down to plot out a divorce, a spouse in his 40s may accurately claim that the current payout on his pension is $2,000 a month. The other spouse naturally believes she is entitled to $1,000 and agrees prematurely to accept that amount. But during the next 20 years, the income of the working spouse could easily double. Since the value of his pension will be calculated largely on his compensation during his last five years on the job, the payout will be far more than $2,000.

If you decide to keep your home, be prepared for a few surprises. All too often a sentimental spouse will hold on to the house only to discover he lacks the capital to maintain it. And then there are those unexpected miseries. Jessica Levin claims she asked her husband, Ray, to remove her name from their mortgage when she divorced him two years ago. According to Levin, he agreed, only to call her months later to say that the house was in foreclosure, could she write a check? Levin, a 27-year-old retail manager, was aghast. "I hadn't got my name off the mortgage," she says. "There was nothing I could do until we either sold the house or he qualified for a mortgage."

If you and your spouse are amicable, the burden of footing the tuition bill can be divided equally between you. One option is for both of you to put money aside in a joint account or set up a minor's trust, preferably one that's irrevocable to shelter the booty from estate taxes if one parent should die. If drafted properly, an irrevocable trust can also shield money from creditors, in case you or your spouse should lapse on your mortgages. If your spouse is unwilling to spring for half of a college education, you may be able to trade off the cost of tuition for some other asset.